Broken Hearted Love Letter
As your partner and as a person I am not perfect. However, for you I always try my best because I know that is what you deserve. I can’t say that I feel the same way about you as of lately because I feel as though the effort you are giving in this relationship is less than 50%. This begs me to ask the question is something going on? Is it me? Is there someone else? Are you happy here? Your mood alter from week to week if not day to day and its exhausting. If I’ve had a great day I wonder if talking to you will change all of that because I don’t know why you are being so quiet and why I feel like I’d rather get off the phone than listen to empty silence . This hurts me not because i’m always expecting such a long conversation but because you refuse to let me in or to ask me how i’m doing. I take it as if you’ve lost interest. Every time you’re like this I take it personally because the one time I didn’t it turned out you were angry with me. Communication is everything in a relationship and I feel as If you don’t want to communicate with me about you , your life, or how you feel toward me. It leaves me to guess and question my actions and words and if I might have offended you by being less than perfect. Ideally, I just want to work it out but I’m becoming so bitter and angry with you especially today. I need you to know something about me because maybe you’ve forgotten. I love really hard and with everything I have but when I feel like I’m trying to fight for our love more than you repeatedly I can’t continue to put myself through it at a point. In all honesty it’s torture. Its also unfair. I need you to remember I left a man I’d been with for five years. A man I could’ve potentially had a child with. And a man I would’ve done any and everything for. It’s my biggest flaw that I risk my own well being for those that I love but it’s something I won’t change or take back although many people take it for granted… I feel as if you’re becoming one of those people. I trusted you with everything when I was broken and wanted to run from anything that resembled love when we first met. You have forever changed and impacted me in so many positive ways and for all the times you are there for me I thank you and I give you whatever I can although I wish it was 100x more than I have. You put my faith back in men and I felt like my freshman year wouldn’t have been the same if you didn’t convince me to give us a chance time and time again. For all the times I’ve hurt you in the past I truly apologize I’m trying to spend a lifetime of loving and caring for you to show you my true intentions but you are making that extremely difficult. You won’t even tell me you love me on your own. I have to ask you every time. I shouldn’t have to. I never had to in the past. In the past you’ve called me back and said I didn’t say I loved you, if I’d forgotten to in a rush to get off the phone. When you don’t want to say it but your actions speak it I can understand. Your actions however do not say you love me. They don’t even say you like me in general. You’re always on the phone never truly present when I’m around. Looking so intently at other people’s lives and not caring that I want to be a huge part of yours, and instrumental and defining part of yours. I’m sitting in front of you, standing beside you, eating next to you and I feel like I don’t exist at all. If you don’t know that really hurts me. Do you care that it hurts me? Do you know your actions affect me? Your words can tare me apart? I feel tricked because I’ve given everything to you. I’m still giving everything to you. Material things don’t mean anything and I’d gladly pay for everything and anything myself and have you love me the way I feel you use to. I hope you know that. I want to believe you didn’t know how much you hurt me today. How insignificant you made me feel. I woke up on my day off. My only day off this entire week. This entire week that I wake up at 6AM commute to school, get there at 8AM work until 9:30AM, walk to class and get out at 1:00pm to eat lunch for half and hour and then work until 6-6:45PM, then commute the two hours back home when I finally arrive its 9:00pm and I have homework I’m to exhausted to do. Wanting to speak to you before I pass out but rarely getting an answer when I call. My only day off on my week back to school after 5 days off of a LONG semester and I get up at 6:00AM not for work or school but to see you. Only you. No one else. By now I hope you can see why I’m angry and disappointed in you. I barely get a hello after I waited two hours in your apartment for you to come home after I’ve taken two trains in the rain. I don’t understand how you fail to see this? You don’t touch me or kiss me and you barely look my way. This hurts. The only man I’ve grown to adore and love won’t reach out to me or tell me you’re glad I’m here just for you. I don’t think you realize you are the only male I need attention or affection from. Not constant attention or constant affection but it would’ve been nice if you noticed me or made it known that you appreciate me. You are so cold sometimes. So unaware of me or you and how you affect me. I’m always aware of you when I’m in a room with you or anywhere near you. I know I’ve got some vast improving to do as far as listening but I’m very attuned to your body language and how your acting. Two years with you and I don’t even get a kiss and you can’t even hold my hand while we’re walking to the movies. You don’t even let me lay on your shoulder when I’m cold. It’s disrespectful that you go out your way not to accommodate me or acknowledge me or that you don’t try and make me comfortable. You couldn’t even say you loved me or attempt to touch me when you said goodbye. Do you understand how that comes off to your girlfriend who’s traveled three and a half hours via multiple ways of transportation in the cold rain to see you? I don’t think you’re that unaware and that ignorant. This only leaves one option that you don’t care enough to express any of the things I so desperately need from the only man I love and the only man I’ve been faithful to in the two years we’ve been together. I’m running out of tears although you didn’t notice me crying in front of you today it’s very true. It’s hard to be upset and I’m starting to feel numb. I’m not looking for attention from any other guys to fill the void in my heart that’s been growing for months. I’m looking for you to step up and be what you promised me you’d be two years ago. I had so much faith in you and in us and I don’t want it to be a waste. I don’t want to leave but I can’t help but feel like some weeks you’ve already checked out. I’m not going to do this forever because I’m tired of fighting and I just want to be able to talk to you about everything that’s going on with you and me and us. Feel something and say something and do something different. I know I have plenty of faults but I try and will continue to try until I get it right. For you the effort is worth it. For us I’d do anything. I just no longer know if you would or if you will. If you are unhappy at your job or in your home, leave. I know you will land on your feet and rebound regardless because you’re intelligent and flexible. Life is to short to be anything but happy or to regret a day everyday. If its family or if its work or if its something else let me know. I want to know,I WILL listen and we will work through it. If its me and our relationship we can either change together or leave one another. regardless I can’t and won’t do this relationship by myself anymore or ever again no matter how much I do love you. Regardless of how trivial you might think it is I still need to know, through your actions or your words, that you still love and stand by me everyday.